Anthropological Humor:
It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. It is through the Darwin nominees we can see the process of natural selection at work. We can only thank these brave nominees for dedicating themselves to scientific research.
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300+MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the jet assist take off rocket unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
The six nominees are:
NOMINEE #1
[Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-97]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying
to repair what police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend
to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught
on something, however, and the other man found Burns remains wrapped in
the drive shaft.
Lesson Learned: Common mistake. While this procedure is
routinely used to diagnose "troubling noises" on most domestic and import
cars, it should not be used on "farm-type" trucks.
NOMINEE #2
[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/96]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in Newton, NC, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone
beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &
Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Lesson Learned: Install a speaker phone next to loaded weapons.
NOMINEE #3
[UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a
downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder
and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy,
39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday
evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law students. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the
best and brightest members of the 200-man association.
Lesson Learned: 1. Always use a lawyer to test skyscraper window strength 2. If you need legal representation avoid the firm of Holden Day Wilson. If that was one of their best and brightest, I'd hate to see what else they have.
NOMINEE #4
[1/29/96 The News of the weird.]
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced
to life in prison. In March 1996, sitting on a metal toilet in his
cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
Lesson Learned: Give all death row inmates a faulty tv, a metal toilet seat and plenty of time.
NOMINEE #5
(Repeat) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette], July 25, 1996
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left
the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday. Thurston Poole, 33 and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, are listed in
serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred
as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On
an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the truck had burned
out. Since a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that
the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box
next to the steering column. He inserted the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling
twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet
overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle.
The vehicle swerved to the right exiting the pavement and striking
a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the
other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot
himself or we might both be dead stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper
for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for
me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened", said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's
wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone
manage to get them out of the truck.
Lesson Learned: 1. Keep your frogs in a sturdy, crash-proof container or 2. Avoid any activity with the word "gigging" in it
NOMINEE #6
[Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed
for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark
on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and
a couple of other things). It was just the right combination
of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from
breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have
been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with
a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers
got sick and one was hospitalized.
Lessons Learned: He should have installed First Alert's "Methane Detector". Or perhaps he had one and forgot to change the batteries when the time changed.
Hopefully we can all learn from these "safety-challenged" individuals.